the audacity of truth

Advice Anyone?

2009-03-30T14:51:00.001-07:00

i've found myself in a life that i recognize occasionally. i mean, working at starbucks was never meant to be the crowning achievment. i would say that i'm discontent but that's not really the case. i'm fucking bored. my lady friend/girlfriend is still kick ass but besides her; her incredible mind and body (can't forget body), the rest of life is slow. so this post is meant for advice. i'm accepting advice from those who have time to read this shit. tell me what i should do...................Anything.

i miss you all.
V

sleep

2009-01-27T02:51:00.000-08:00

time dances acrouss my eyelids
gravity pulls my eyes toward earth
the world whispers no words
as my thoughts swim against the current

please go to sleep

a poem a day

2009-01-27T02:47:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine recently suggested that I write more often. I told him that I would and here begins the journey. However, this friend was very specific about the type of writing that's acceptable. I have to write poems and they can be great or shitty or anywhere in between but poems nevertheless.

she smiled the way children lie

2008-10-01T02:39:00.001-07:00

she smiled the way children lie

cute wrong

approaching me

with unchidlike intentions

i’m married

whispering the words

bold nervous

she smiled the way children lie

aware of guilt

with unafraid intentions

i’m married

as well

calm deliberate

she smiled the way children lie

i miss my mommy (ode to the parentals)

2008-10-01T02:17:00.000-07:00

i can still remember the moment that i felt like i needed to get the hell out of my parents home. that irrational desire for freedom without every questioning all that it might mean. sixteen and sure of myself, i knew that my parents were holding me back from everything that i was to become. only if i could get the hell out of this house i would think to myself...well i got out and it sucks. i never expected adulthood to be so shitty. in no way do i want to live with my parents but it would be cool to not pay rent, car insurance, utilities and so forth for a few months. who knew, who fucking knew. they knew- those assholes, shit i miss them.

Party People in the Place to Be

2008-08-17T15:33:00.000-07:00

So, i'm very very very very tired of political party lines. At one point in this country will we stop the intense party loyalty. I much rather smart men and women to take an issue and make a smart decision. I figure that is asking way to much of Americans? We are more excited this week about Micheal Phelps winning the gold in Beijing than we are about real problems facing our nation.

I am a American, my faith allows me to trust that regardless of the next president everything will be fine eventually. But, let us please make decisions based on important issues to our families, not based on party lines, race, age, gender or speech. I trust that you my friends will choose the best candidate in relationship to your own situation.

Be smart, loving, kind and humble to each other...we are all still Americans.

Exact Randomness

2008-08-15T01:16:00.000-07:00

i have a job interview. hooooray!!!!!! ok, i know black people typically do not use the word hooray but that is how excited i am at this moment. i guess we do at times (red stripe commercials? youtube it.) however, this job is at a private career college in costa mesa. the irony comes into play when understanding that a career is something that has eluded me for the past year. but hopefully after next week the chase will forever be over. i'm actually ecstatic about helping adults find their way back into education. neither parent of yours truly ever managed to finish jr. high and i think this is why we were so poor during my childhood. it stills seems a bit awkward explaining basic english principles to people twice my age. i just can't wait for one of my future students to openly dismiss my entire lesson plan.....placing doubt in the minds of all his/her peers. my response to that will simply be...fuck you old man you should have done this years ago. ok, i will not say that but i will post it on a blog later and all us young hooligans will get a laugh at old people such as John McCain. speaking of politics.....georgia attacks russia, russia responds and now it is america's business. this is why i'm starting to take all my political cues from team america, bill o'reily, rush limbaugh and paris hilton. now these people are true americans who actually give a damn about the plight of black people in this country. change we can believe in, whatever, what about one night in paris (inappropriate reference to a bad sextape). i only referenced the sextape because i live in southern california, the meca of the sextape. i'm thinking about making one, i'm sure it will help me get a job much quicker around these parts. ohhhhh how i miss simple texas- guns, hippies, meth, open racism, trailer parks, flat land, beer, art six, state fair, beer, six flags, pot, jazz, friends and beer. love you all and goodnight

Goodbye Randy Pausch.

2008-07-25T15:17:00.000-07:00

I do not think about death as often as I once did. When I was a child I had this recurring dream that I was dying or about to die. I honestly think that it has helped me process death over the years. But, how does one live when it is not a dream- when you are completely awake and aware that you are dying? Randy Pausch gave some insight on how to finish this life well. If you do not know his story then just Google his name and read some things about his life. He died today. One of his major points to living well was dreaming. Not the recurring dream of death, worry or failure that so many of us play over and over in our heads. But dreaming as you did as a child when life was new and the possibilities were endless. My mother use to always remind my siblings and I that regardless of how we decided to live our lives we were going to die. Whether or not you hold to some faith or belief system, it is clear that death will arrive. I hope that when it does that my life (and yours) was lived in a whirlwind of dreams, love, passion and mistakes. I'm not dying but I am dying and I hope that I love each of you more today because of this. Live well or die trying. Thank you Randy Pausch...you will be missed by a stranger.

What does milk and sex have in common?

2008-07-21T03:37:00.000-07:00

academia is overwhelming these days. saturday i took the CSET (California Subject Examination for Teachers), which was much more difficult than expected. i figured that my final days of standardized testing were complete but oh how wrong was i. five hours in a desk surrounded by a classroom full of people...Who!, in the next month very well may be applying and receiving the exact job that i will be applying and not receiving. i try to stay optimistic, however the fact is teaching positions are falling by the wayside. in the morning i begin a twenty page research paper explaining why black males in this country are falling by the wayside in regards to education. who knows it may be due to the fact that teachers are as well. i guess this obvious conclusion will not lead to an excellent score on the aforementioned research assignment which probably suggests that i am perpetuating the cycle. how i thought i was aiding society by becoming a teacher.

moving on to greener pastures. i did see the new batman spectacle tonight. impressed? well of course, the movie is called the black knight (emphasis on black mine). besides the title of the movie i did find it entertaining and a tad dark (and in no way was i referring to the word black).

since living in california i have become a weird insomniac. i stay awake all night dreaming of becoming a star. well not really, but i do stay awake "figuring out how i'm going to afford rent" to keep living in this sunshine. now i do know that the few of you who read this blog are extremely wealthy and do not comprehend my struggle. i say to you, simply... fuck off. i loathe you and i will add "figuring out how to kill each of you" as the primary reason for my california induced insomnia. joking of course i'm guessing all of you stay awake thinking about the price of gas, sex, rent and milk, well maybe not milk- you know what i mean. the days of buying a gallon of gas with the change from my ashtray are over. know that i've got all that off my chest i can get some sleep.

goodnight world

Maybe, I'm gay?

2008-07-10T19:43:00.001-07:00

After meeting with some friends the other night it came to my attention that a few of these people read my blog. The problem- I do not write as often as I should. So this if my attempt to make things write (get it). OK whatever that was lame but so are most of the people who read this blog. Moving forward--I missed my friend E when she was out here visiting and if she reads this blog she should know that i am truly sorry. E, you came during my birthday festivities and it was damn near impossible to break away from plans that had been set. I did meet H the other night as we celebrated a birthday for a friend S. (By the way why do we use a single letter instead of names on blogs? I'm really out of the loop I guess.)

Being among many faces from the Republic of Texas yesterday gave way to a major dose of nostalgia. Out of sight out of mind i guess, who knows? The o.c. is nice this time of year; getting use to older women dressed like thirteen year old girls is still something i can't wrap my mind around (What a transition sentence). But as the old adage goes, quoting Chris Tucker on the motion picture Friday, "The older the berry the sweeter the juice"... Ice Cube's response, "It's the blacker the berry"... Chris Tucker, "yeah she black than a motherf@cker too". If you haven't seen the movie rent it for that scene. Because moms here dress in their ten year old daughter's jeans; you get shows here such as the real housewives of orange county..........How about the real housewives of rural Alabama? Or maybe a show about single moms who are busting their asses to keep the lights on, pay for gas, keep their son in school and have a social life. That sounds more like real life to me these days. Anyways I'm a hater-- I suppose I can't stand to see attractive older women walking around in clothing that makes them look like their twenty eight instead of forty eight. Maybe, I'm gay?

my life is a musical (a hip hopera)

2008-06-13T02:52:00.000-07:00

rap music always does something to me. i mean it is hard to explain and in no way am i saying that it is the same feeling you get with worship music. but, some of the lyrics seem to always remind me of home. the drugs, poverty and the overwhelming uncertainty of daily life just takes me to a place that is both, good and bad. i've missed home as of late; i mean not the drugs or poverty but my mother, father and grandmother. there was a peace at home even in the midst of everything constantly unraveling. california has been sensational i must admit. i've met the love of my life and i have learned how to be a man going through some tough struggles out here. however, i still think that something is missing in this place. i read the blogs of all you bloggers out there and i imagine how or in what way my life should be different. i think i'm afraid of what God is actually asking me to do so i keep my car in neutral in order to feel like i'm moving but knowing that it's just past momentum. i miss my friends but my girlfriend has become my best friend and we have finally found a place of complete comfort when we are together.

growing up around uncertainty it is easy to not know anyone. i mean my parents, siblings and i we just so focused on making the ends meet everyday that we never took the time to get to know one another. i still struggle with this today. trying to really know people without just entertaining people. so bare with me if you know me. i have reached this point, everything that i seem to be trying to accomplish is one step away and as soon as i take that step another is added. this constant back and forth i think is making me lazy and complacent, i've become a man with many complaints and excuses. my dad would tell me to just keep working hard and it will work itself out, but he's not here. i hear you dad. tonight should bring on a change in this blog, from this point on i will tell you guys how i feel and what is going on in my small place in the universe. read carefully and with patience in your hearts. good night and good luck.

the audacity of truth

2008-06-04T15:12:00.000-07:00

history, we have made history; the repeated storyline on all the news channels. why? a black man is now the democratic nominee for the president of the united states of america. the tragedy of all of this is the truth. my desire is that barack obama wins the presidential race, but it is tragic that he may become president when our country seems to be in dire straights. a war in iraq that has cleary been shown to have been waged on false pretenses. the economy is wrecked by foreclosures, gas prices and no jobs. i wish him the best. how will he judged? if barack obama does not fix all the problems that the bush administration created will history say he did not do his job?

i'm not a politician or a pundit. i'm just a proud black man who finally feels like this country may be turing the page for the better. and i say this hesitantly. i was speaking with a white gentleman last night, (actually two older white gentlemen) who assured me that barack obama would be assisinated. sometimes we must turn the page slow it seems. i dismissed what they were saying but it made me think. who would want to kill history? Abe Lincoln, J.F.K., Dr. Martin Luther King, Malcom X, etc. i am an american and barack obama is an american, however as W.E.B. Dubois wrote in his book Souls of Black Folk (paraphrasing) "There will always be this struggle between our two selfs, the first self being a black person and the second being an american." i hope barack obama is the start in figuring out this dichotomy within our great nation. otherwise this history that has been set in motion may never repeat itself. God Bless You and God Bless America